2.1 My View of God

[Dolores]

When I think of God, I think of His sovereignty. I think of how vast and big He is to be the creator of the universe and yet know me intimately and love me like no other. I think about how He may be reacting to my behavior and to my thoughts at any moment. I think about His enormous love for humanity and how I struggle to see people the way He sees them.

[Gerry]

When you think of God, what do you think of?

My thoughts of God and therefore of myself have changed remarkably over the last 2-to 3 years. As stated in my bio, I have been diagnosed with PTSD from my tour of duty in Afghanistan. Couple that now with receiving a medical discharge from the Army as well as being on disability and early retirement. To say the least, all of this has been quite the kick in the gut. Fortunately for me, prior to any of this going on I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good, albeit a shallow experience, I still know that He is good. PTSD can throw a lot of curveballs at you that you never even expected. Yes during the darker years there was a lot of anger, yes even or maybe more to the point anger towards God. All the usual objections like “why would you allow this to happen to me, don’t You even care, what am I going to do now?” And many other similar protests, and if you read carefully enough, I levelled some pretty substantial accusations against God. There were actually times when I was tempted to just walk away. Yet I never could, for I’ve tasted and seen that He is good and if it was true then, it must still be true now. Another thing I found to be true about God is that He really does make all things for the good of those who love Him. Before I knew about this, but now I was experiencing it. One of the redemptive things that PTSD can do to or for you is it strips you of all the façades I was wearing for the approval of others and God. I had worn these façades around so much that in reality, I didn’t even know who I was let alone who God is. It’s funny, in the video we’re given the illustration of Adam and Eve in the garden after the fall. Very shortly after sin entered the equation they saw that they were naked and they tried to cover it up. PTSD will try and do the same thing. When I realized that after He has stripped me of my former façades, that I was standing completely naked in front of Him, well I did what many of us would try and do, I covered up and ran. The thing is, God is great in His mercy and although I may not have thought it so at the time, one of the most merciful things He did for me then was to burn all my clothing (façades) and give me a wide-open space with nowhere to hide. Talk about being vulnerable. Yet in time, I began to forget about my own nakedness because as it says in Isaiah, “He whose mind is stayed on You will have perfect peace.” I heard a friend mention this in casual conversation on Facebook once, but God took that nugget of truth, and like a missile, He aimed it directly at my heart. Having now heard that truth set me on a new trajectory, for before I knew He is peace, but now I had to experience this peace for myself. This was just another of many beginnings for me with God and self-discovery which transpired over the course of many years. In this journey, He was actively dismantling many of my false belief systems. Things like I’m never going to be good enough and God do you really care. I think I mentioned in a previous study how God showed me on a deserted Montana road that He is my shepherd, the Good Shepherd. As I allowed Him to shepherd me the way He wanted to, I discovered that because of His love, mercy, forgiveness and patience I was not as bad as I previously thought, in fact, He had His identity in store for me. Slowly, like peeling back the layers of an onion, He was stripping those former façades away, He was revealing His original design and masterpiece of who is created in His image and stamped with His identity. Slowly, but steadily as He lovingly tore back the false self, he was revealing that I was no longer an orphan who was never good enough, instead, He confirmed that I am His son. Not only a son but an heir who is highly favoured by my Father. And if that was not enough, He continued to reveal the true identity that He has already placed within me since before creation began. This identity is no longer someone who was working for Him, instead, He would invite me to work with Him, as His friend. Yet there was still more to come. Last year while I was studying with IHOPU taking a certificate course in Christian ministry, one of the classes was on the Song of Solomon. I always suspected this one aspect of this piece of scripture, that He really loves me, but I never imagined the unfathomable depths of His love and the implications this reality has on me. While studying the Song of Solomon, one thing that I could never escape was the continued dialogue between the Shepherd King and the Shulmanite. One repeated theme I noticed was the Shulmanites objection to following her Shepherd King to wherever He wished to take her. her objection is ” but I am dark.” His response to her was something relatively unheard of in today’s society, total love and acceptance. Never do we see that He was soft on sin. In some ways, being the One who intimately knows our condition, it would seem that He expects it. Instead, He says to the Shulmanite and inevitably to me “yes. but you are lovely.” Ok, I could wrap my mind somewhat around this concept that He loves me, but that He wants me and He desires me. I don’t know, such revelation was far too great for me. It can’t be true, that God could look past my sin and say that I am lovely, no this was far too scandalous to be true, no it couldn’t be true. I’m sure our instructor David Sliker heard similar oppositions many times before, for he seemed to be ready with sound theological affirmations that this is indeed true. Deep within, I knew it was so, but my pride was unwilling to accept it. In the end, he encouraged all who still had any lingering doubts to take this up with God and ask Him to reveal His truth to us. So I did, I took it up with God and over the process of a few days, He not only showed me His truth. His truth was that He changed my name from outcast to His beloved, His bride-to-be. I’ve often heard that the church is called the “Bride of Christ,” yet never have I had such a deep revelation of this incredible truth, that I am His bride. So yes when I think of God, my answers have changed greatly from supposition to fact. In the video, we were asked to take a few moments and write down the words that we think of when we think of God. My list is as follows;

1. Father

2. Brother

3. Friend

4. Helper

5. Healer

6. Lover

7. Partner

I’m sure this list is still incomplete and there are still some days when my mind may not always fully agree with this list, but my heart and my spirit fully agree.

Gerry Barclay – the disciple whom Jesus loves.

[ECO]

@GerryB as always, your writing is full of so many good nuggets that it is hard to know what to respond to.

In this case, I would like to say that your sign-off about being the one that Jesus loved stood out to me the most. It reminds me of a blog post I wrote a few years back. It’s called: “Christian Identity: You Are the Disciple Jesus Loved.” Let me know what you think!

[Dianna]

I think of him as love. I think of him as my father, because that is how we first connected: Psalm 27:10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.

I see him as a teacher and my best friend, who often pries information out of me that I don’t want to talk about 🙂 For many years in my faith, I fell away from the Lord, listening to other people tell me who he was and what he was about. Once I found my own way, I discovered, people have no idea what my walk looks like, just their own, and if you really want to know HIM, you have to look yourself and see. Once I did that for myself, I discovered he was nothing short of AMAZING 🙂

[ECO]

@Dianna_Young fantastic answer. I really appreciated the part about how you view God as a friend who seeks to pry things out of us that we don’t want to talk about. Very well written!

[Maria]

When I think of God, I think of Him being the only father influence, a supporter when we had barely any food, a leader that has taught me so much about life and about Himself, and lastly my comforter when times at home got intents. I would be here today without him.

[ECO]

Well said, Maria. The way you described your view of God is intensely personal. He has been a shelter, a father, and a provider to you. Awesome! It is evident that you know God and love him.